Let us return, gentle reader, to the stone age, to our caveman ancestors squat upon the savanna, kicking back after a hard day of hunting and gathering; collecting their thoughts on the meaning of life, and the next big thing.
One would think, believe, that survival; eking out a life of subsistence, would naturally be at the forefront of any particular discussion between individuals of their day. Danger, disease, exposure all lurk out in the great expanse of the land between the sky and the sea.
Yet, were a modern man to be set amongst the greatest of grandfathers, could he comprehend the distance humanity has travelled in so short a time. I'm speaking geologically, astronomically, archaeologically; not in the vain spacial sense that we existing humans tend to think of as time passing. 30,000 years out of millions is small potatoes. Still, a human is a human is a human, is he not? Would not a modern man be able to commiserate with gramps on the sometimes woeful state of being a dude?
In light of these mostly cogent thoughts, the following questions/concerns come to the fore:
Like, is it possible to be a total dude without showering regularly? Does covering ones self in mud mitigate other perceived short comings such as male patterned baldness, which I'm certain cave dudes had to contend with, or a lack of teeth? This also speaks to the importance of oral hygiene, halitosis, and the need for breath sprays or strips. It is through such insights that we begin to discern the truly wrenching live our caveman ancestors had to endure. Without the necessary creams and lotions, not to mention multi-blade shavers and aftershave balms, how is the average cave dude supposed to compete with the elites of his day, be they physical or intellectual, in order to properly slay the cave babes? There is more to life than scrapping by on berries and the occasional rabbit, no, man must also propagate the species, improve the bloodline, and get jiggy with it! There is no greater challenge be ye an important historical figure, or merely an anonymous troglodyte.
Then there's the question of ability, or lack thereof in the man department. Thanks to incessant advertising, we moderns are fully aware of the need to talk to our medical professionals about the dangers of impotence, or as it's now called; erectile dysfunction. Imagine two total dudes out and about after a hard day tracking an antelope, or gazelle, boar, maybe even the notorious jackalope, then heading back to their man caves ( man, how time have changed, eh boys) wondering how they're going to explain not only their lack of success this day, or that Bob got eaten by a bear, but what about the pressure to perform when it's a struggle to pitch the tent. Life's tough enough when you're living in a cave, much less alone. Yeah, maybe there's no need to sweep now, or move those rocks like you promised; you even have time to finish that cave painting you've been talking about for years, but the motivation is lost. Pity the lonely cave dude.
So the next time you're desperately dousing yourself with Axe body spray, or which ever one causes the ladies to jump all over you ( this is assuming that's a good thing and that they are not, in fact, attacking you for that odious scent you insist on fumigating yourself with ) in order to avoid another lonely night, thank god for the chemical companies for allowing you to foolishly believe you're any better off than that lonely cave dude.
