Apparently, and I base this on the various and sundry reviews of the event, the halftime show at Super Bowl LIII was less than stellar. This is very disappointing. Most of this has been laid at the feet of Maroon 5 and its lead singer, Adam Levine. One would think, given his stature on The Voice that he would not need the publicity, after all the performers aren't paid; it's the biggest stage for the scam known generally as "the exposure is more important than actual income".
Most of the criticism centers on the fact that the show was bland and inoffensive and, given that the game was in Atlanta, did not take advantage or showcase the Hip-Hop/Rap talent the city is well known for, but is the NFL really brave enough to expose older white America to that? I think not. It would be akin to having Hendrix do the national anthem at the game 50 years ago. Raving would certainly ensue, and not the good kind although the kids would really dig it, man!
In light of that, I here forthwith make it known that I, Mr Primitive, will happily headline the halftime show at next year's Super Bowl, whether it is a dud like this year's or not.
Some of you may ask, why Dave?
Well, to begin with, I too can be bland and inoffensive, and because I'm not so overexposed in the rotation of pablum that sometimes passes for exciting hip new music, people will sort of listen while waiting for the next interesting or provocative commercial (I mean really, why do most people watch the game to begin with? Their teams aren't playing!) rather than sit back comfortably knowing they've heard this song a thousand times whether on the radio or on a Spotify list playing music they know and are comfortable with.
Secondly, because I'm not particularly well known, someone with top notch choreography talent can devise a heart stopping visual extravaganza to go along with my haunting introspective songs of love and loss. It's a sure winner and it'll give the audience something to look at rather than my unknown face, although after the firestorm the NFL will surely endure after once again bypassing fresh young talent for a middle-aged white guy who wasn't even famous in the 60's, 70's, 80's, or 90's, it should be fairly recognizable at that point.
That leads to...
Thirdly, the exposure thing would actually work in my case. Although they probably wouldn't give out the raw statistics, I'd be curious to know what kind of bump Maroon 5 actually got from their appearance headlining the halftime show. It's probably, one would hope, bigger than the one I'm going to get following this column.
All in all, a winner all around.
Of course, they could go back to a traditional halftime show featuring marching bands and the team's cheerleaders, but that might make people long for a time when the American game was simpler, more pure, more...
Nah.
©2019 David William Pearce
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